From the Peace Moonbeam Chronicles...
December 15, 2006Berkeley, California This week Scooter called to tell me he had gotten a temporary job
through his cousin Ronnie, who is GM over at Westpark Mall. Because
the regular mall Santa had come down with the flu, they desperately
needed a stand-in. Scooter begged Ronnie for the job, even to the
point of making a big scene in his office, crying and threatening to
kill himself, until Ronnie finally relented. Scooter told me he was
determined to bring a new degree of dramatic realism to the Santa
Claus character. He was also excited by the prospects of scoring with
some hot single moms. The fact he absolutely hates kids didn't seem to
dampen his enthusiasm for the gig. I have to admit Scooter really worked hard preparing for this job.
Whereas most people would be satisfied with just being able to Ho Ho
and merely look like Santa, Scooter decided to "go deep" into this
character, and in his words, "Peel away the veneer of this jolly, yet
tortured soul who drives midget slaves to manufacture luxury goods in
a remote hidden sweatshop." Cool. He reasoned that in order to supply
all the world's children with toys in just twelve months, Santa would
have to be on stimulants, sleep deprived, and mercilessly driving his
elves. It stood to reason the real St. Nick would have to be skinny,
high-strung, and mean. Scooter felt his "edgy" Claus would be the
perfect vehicle to showcase his dramatic acting skills, and hopefully
get him some chicks. I was at Westpark Mall last Tuesday when Scooter/Santa made his
entrance. While the kids didn't seem too concerned, several parents
were noticeably taken aback by Santa's gaunt appearance and
hyperactive mannerisms. I felt Scooter's insistence that his "elves"
wear leg irons to highlight their forced servitude was a little over
the top, but that's just me. On a positive note, his politically
correct costume featured a turban and Orthodox Jewish hair and beard.
Finally a Santa for all people! It was fascinating watching Scooter dramatically plumb the depths of
this character as he maniacally coddled the children then berated
them, all the time screaming at the elves to build more toys, while
continuously popping diet pills and chocolate-covered espresso beans.
The fun all came to an end when a terrified two-year-old peed all over
Santa's lap, causing jolly old St. Nick to cut loose with a stream of
profanities and jumping up so fast he flung the little rug rat over
the velvet ropes and into the Hickory Farm's sausage display! In the
ensuing fracas, Scooter took out the kid's charging 250-pound mom, two
mall security guards, and cousin Ronnie with a six-foot fiberglass
candy cane, before finally being dropped by an elf's two-fisted
uppercut to the nuts. Wow! Fortunately for Scooter, he was charged only with simple battery, but
his cousin Ronnie was fired, and no doubt the mall will be sued for
millions. In retrospect, I guess Scooter probably took the character
too far. Just the same, I'm proud of his attempt to strip away the
fantasy surrounding this workaholic midget slave-master. Scooter said
it was the best job he's ever had, and easily the happiest 14 minutes
of his life. |
Short
Dec 19
2006
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